The Heart Breaking Negative

When we first decided to start trying back in January/February of 2012, I was really naïve in thinking it would happen quickly and easily. I knew the basics of how babies were made and I thought it was in the bag. That first month when I received a negative, I was shocked! I was sure there must have been a mistake so I took 3 more pregnancy tests just to make sure.

After a couple months of being unsuccessful, I chalked it up to the birth control I had used. It might just take a while to completely leave my system.

After 6 months I was confused and really frustrated. Why wasn’t this happening? Cam was very supportive and loving, but to him it was just a matter of trial and error. He kept saying, “don’t worry, it will happen when it happens.” I love that he's so positive.

I of course could never forget the love and support I receive from people as well. I’m almost surprised with how common infertility is. I’ve genuinely appreciated the advice and comfort I’ve received from people who understand the pain and frustration of infertility and have offered a listening ear and shoulder.

This month has been a very long and difficult one for Cameron and me. We started on Clomid back at the beginning of the month. It’s made me extremely sick and hormonal, I feel like I’m always crying for no reason at all. I go in week by week to see if my follicles are ready for the HCG shot. I had been feeling extreme nausea and cramping from my overly stuffed ovaries.

The very next day (after the HCG shot), we had to go to Spokane to get the sperm wash, then we had to go straight to Coeur d’ Alene to get the IUI done; this was very painful and uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone, but my doctor isn’t very gentle with any of his procedures.  I then started on the Progesterone pills which again made me very nauseous and gave me extremely painful cramps. So painful at times that I had to stop whatever I was doing and just breathe.

All in the month of May, Cam took off close to 20 hours of work; we spent just over $1000 on meds, scans, tests and driving. We told ourselves not to get our hopes up, but it was very difficult. We convinced ourselves that it just had to work, it had to!! I can’t imagine having to go through this every month…I’m sure I just need to buck up and stop complaining.

We waited the 15 days after the HCG shot and yesterday I took the test. I just knew it was going to be positive and was getting really excited. The past couple nights I had fallen asleep thinking about our baby to be and how much I loved it already. I imagined all the things we were going to do together.

 I waited 5 minutes and then slowly walked into the bathroom and crept up to the pregnancy test resting on the counter. Not pregnant.

My heart fell and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I stared at it as the minutes went by, confused. Not pregnant. I dropped it in the trash can, then walked into my room and sat on my bed. Not pregnant… I kept saying this over and over in my head….What did I do wrong? Did I not lie on the table long enough after the IUI? Did it take too long to get the Sperm from Spokane to Coeur d’ Alene? This just can’t be!!! Not pregnant. 

I started reasoning with myself…maybe it was too early, maybe I should take a blood test, maybe pregnancy tests just don’t work on me. I went back in an hour later, fished it out of the trash to look at it again because I had probably read it wrong. Not pregnant. I called the nurse at the fertility clinic to ask her if I had calculated the time wrong. She very nicely told me that no, I wasn’t pregnant and that we’d have to start all over in a week.

After that phone call I just broke down. I collapsed on my bed and cried for hours. Why was this happening?! Cam came up and we laid there cuddling, crying and heartbroken.

I’ve finally stopped crying (for now) and come to the realization that we just have to start over. I’m so scared and apprehensive about going through another month of constant nausea, cramps and maybe hot flashes if I get lucky. Plus, I’m really worried that this just isn’t working. What if I’m going through all this Clomid and IUI’s for nothing? I pray that there is a baby out there for me, even if it’s just one.